Self Worth

I've been thinking a lot about the way I look at myself.  Within the past year, my self-esteem has plummeted.  That can be attributed to a number of factors, such as losing my job, but it is scary low.  And I'm beginning to realize just how much of my worth is measured by the way I look.  I've always known I was overweight, but recently I've become painfully aware of just how much I hate that about myself.  I'm wondering now if there's been some kind of shift or if I was just always in a serious state of denial?  I think I convinced myself that I had enough redeeming qualities to make up for my obesity.  But can that ever be true? Especially in a society like ours?  Not likely.  Sure, I have characteristics that I like about myself, but they hardly qualify me for redemption!

So then I started to wonder- what will it really mean for me to be thin?  Perhaps I expect some kind of miracle- like losing weight will be the solution to all my problems.  And I really do think that, honestly.  I've become incredibly anxious in social settings....settings that I used to handle with such ease.  I struggle to have faith that I'll ever be capable of doing anything productive or meaningful ever again.  I constantly imagine that everyone around me is judging me.  Can that all really be the product of obesity?  I suppose its possible, but probably not likely.  There are clearly bigger issues that need to be addressed.  I'm sure they are LINKED with my weight, but it runs much deeper than that.  There are plenty of overweight people who do not suffer from such poor self image.  And I never used to...at least I don't think I did.  Or was I just fooling myself?

Guess I'll find out, won't I?