Identity and Weight Loss

I am so terribly afraid of failure (which I'm sure I'm not alone in). As much as I long to be thin and healthy, I'm so afraid that if I start to lose weight, I'll get overwhelmed with the pressure to lose more, or at least not GAIN it back.

And the reality is that losing weight (especially 100+ lbs, like I need to) is a total shift in identity. I've been the "fat girl" for SO long! I start to wonder if losing weight will even register within my psyche.

I once heard Kate Winslet say that even though she lost weight, she still felt like the fat girl. That although she was physically thinner, all the mentality of being overweight was still very present. I think we so often imagine ourselves as thinner and assume we'd automatically have the confidence to match it. Perhaps thats not true.

I also think that the process of losing weight creates a shift in identity that happens in stages. We begin as fat- then we become fat people losing weight- then we reach a point where we're visibly thinner- and if we're lucky enough to reach our goal weight, we become a thin person. The transformation, though a desired outcome, is still very taxing on the soul. A world that we once understood through the lens of our fat glasses no longer makes sense. Our understanding of ourselves- in relation to our world and the people in it- no longer applies. I may walk into a boutique perfectly capable of wearing all the clothes they sell, but in my mind- will I still feel like the girl who everyone stares at, wondering "what is SHE doing here?!"

What if I am thin and still hate myself? Then what?