Overwhelmed

I'd just like to take a moment or two to talk about how overwhelmed this whole weight loss process can be.  There are SO many factors to consider- vitamins, minerals, fruits, vegetables, lean meat, healthy oil, water consumption, etc etc etc! And then there's the timing of eating and exactly which foods to eat at what time.  And should I eat organic? Should I add flaxseed or wheat germ? Do I need more fiber or calcium or folic acid or what?  If so, how do I get that? And then there's exercise:  How much? How often? When? Which exercises?

Ugh, its so confusing and overwhelming.  I feel like there's all this information being thrown at me and I don't really know what to make of it all.  I want to make the best choices but sometimes I get so frustrated with knowing what even IS the right decision, that I just throw in the towel and give up.  That doesn't justify my behavior, but I'm just saying that its hard.

But I guess if it was easy, I would have done it a long time ago....

Self Worth

I've been thinking a lot about the way I look at myself.  Within the past year, my self-esteem has plummeted.  That can be attributed to a number of factors, such as losing my job, but it is scary low.  And I'm beginning to realize just how much of my worth is measured by the way I look.  I've always known I was overweight, but recently I've become painfully aware of just how much I hate that about myself.  I'm wondering now if there's been some kind of shift or if I was just always in a serious state of denial?  I think I convinced myself that I had enough redeeming qualities to make up for my obesity.  But can that ever be true? Especially in a society like ours?  Not likely.  Sure, I have characteristics that I like about myself, but they hardly qualify me for redemption!

So then I started to wonder- what will it really mean for me to be thin?  Perhaps I expect some kind of miracle- like losing weight will be the solution to all my problems.  And I really do think that, honestly.  I've become incredibly anxious in social settings....settings that I used to handle with such ease.  I struggle to have faith that I'll ever be capable of doing anything productive or meaningful ever again.  I constantly imagine that everyone around me is judging me.  Can that all really be the product of obesity?  I suppose its possible, but probably not likely.  There are clearly bigger issues that need to be addressed.  I'm sure they are LINKED with my weight, but it runs much deeper than that.  There are plenty of overweight people who do not suffer from such poor self image.  And I never used to...at least I don't think I did.  Or was I just fooling myself?

Guess I'll find out, won't I?

Skinny Baking

Since its Valentine's Day, I thought it would be fun to make red velvet cake.  I looked online and found this great recipe for "skinny" red velvet cupcakes.  K and I took the recipe and just made a cake out of it.  It turned out pretty darn good! And its only 3 points a serving! Its actually pretty fun to bake when I know I'm making something I can eat without feeling guilty.  I think I might like this whole cooking stuff :)

Here's a pic of the cake:

Take out- under control

When it came time to order, the family decided on Chinese take-out.  Not a great option, but one of the better as far as eating out.  After looking over the menu I realized there were no "lite" or "healthy" options, so I went with my instincts and ordered chicken & broccoli with brown rice.  I only ate half and it turned out to be a totally reasonable meal.  

The main challenge was when we went to sit and eat...the fam ordered extra rice, egg rolls, and soup that was set on the table.  Of course they offered everything to me, but I respectfully declined.  It was friggin' hard to do, but I kept telling myself that I am strong and can make healthy decisions.  I'm very pleased with myself :)

What to order?

Ugh.  K's parents are going over to her Aunt and Uncle's house. They're going to order in and I am pretty anxious about it.  What will I order?  Can I figure out what's healthy? And if I do, will I have the strength to resist temptation and make the right choice?  I hope so....

I can do it!

Leftovers for me, please.

K had to work tonight, so it was just me with her family.  Her Mom made fries and burgers, which is NOT conducive to my plan to eat healthy, so I had leftovers from last night.  I didn't mind (since the food was so darn good) and I was actually pretty proud of myself.  The burgers smelled so good and I was definitely tempted, but not to the point where I felt deprived.  I made a good decision and it feels great!

I Cooked A Meal!

K and I made dinner tonight.  It was pretty fun!  I looked up healthy WW recipes online, so it was a totally healthy meal.  Her family normally pays no regard at all to health and nutrition, so it really depends on us to cook anything we want thats remotely good for us.  Anyway, we made backed macaroni & cheese, broccoli and cheese stuffed chicken, and mashed "potatoes" (cauliflower).  It turned out really well, her family loved it, and the WW point value was pretty low! Overall a success!

Here are links to the recipes, if you're interested:

Mac & Cheese

Stuffed Chicken

Mashed "Potatoes"

Bust

So the meeting was kind of a bust.  Sadly.  It was fine, overall, but so NOT what I was hoping for.  It was chaotic and disorganized...people were just yapping whenever they felt like it, interrupting the leader nonstop.  I really didn't fit in- it was all these young parents who went on and on about their kids.  Annoying.

I've heard/read that you need to shop around for meetings and thats exactly what I intend to do.  I've more or less convinced K to join with me...she doesn't need to lose very much weight, but she could afford to drop 10 lbs.  And she totally eats like crap so she'd benefit from some structure and guidelines for eating.

I'm trying not to call it quits already. I DID already pay for 3 months....plus I really want this to work out for me. I deserve it!  Maybe I'll even go into Manhattan to see if meetings are better there.  Argh.

It sucks that my first meeting was so disappointing, but I'm not giving up!

Nerves

I'm going to my first actual meeting tomorrow. I'm so nervous! I guess I'm afraid of failing. I have so much hope, but that terrifies me. Being thin is something that I want so much- I'm afraid to want it that badly because the thought of never getting there is unbearable. Its almost easier to just NOT try and then accept life as is then try and admit that I can't do it, you know? There's some comfort in knowing that I'm obese because I haven't really tried to lose it. What if I DO try, but still can't do it? Lame.

K and I are cooking dinner tomorrow. We're making broccoli/cheese stuffed chicken with mashed cauliflower and backed macaroni & cheese. Exciting! WW has TONS of really awesome recipes that look absolutely delicious. For the first time ever, I'm actually excited about cooking! It starting to feel like cooking "healthy" won't be such a hassle afterall. Yay!

First Grocery Trip

I went on my first grocery shopping trip as a WW member. Its a little overwhelming, but I'm sure I will adjust. My brain is so used to focusing on calories, calories, calories! But WW is about more than that- they factor in cals, fat, and fiber- creating a "Point" system (which is MUCH easier to track). I found that I was paying attention to the overall content of food, rather than just calories. Its important to remember things like sodium, carbohydrates, sugar, etc.

Right now I'm just focusing on staying within my point range (33). I'm being more mindful of nutrition, but trying to manage ALL the important components to mastering a "balanced diet" can be intimidating! I also cut out soda (which I barely drink normally, but since K's parents keep it in the house, I tend to drink it) and stopped binge eating. I will never deprive myself of something I REALLY want because when I do, it always ends badly.

This upcoming week, my goal is to eat at least 3 servings of fruits/veggies a day. I've barely been eating any lately and thats pretty crappy for my health. And I'm going to drink as much water as possible, hopefully increasing the amount I drink each day. I also started taking a multivitamin again.

Oh, and since I brought the 3 reusable bags WW gave me yesterday, the supermarket gave me a small discount! Nice!

Officially a Member

I went to the open house this afternoon and it was wonderful! There were 3 middle-aged woman who happily greeted myself and Kristen. Their energy was so positive and upbeat- it reminded me of the things I loved most in college, such as Orientation, NCBI, and Middle Earth. I felt right at home because that's absolutely my kind of vibe. "K" and I were the only ones there so it was quick and simple. They gave us a bunch of little goodies and a basic overview of the WW program. I knew immediately that this was right for me, so I signed up then and there. I'm officially a member of Weight Watchers!

Now I just need to figure out which meetings to attend. I can look them up online, by time or group leader, but I won't know anything about the leader except their first name. The woman who did most of the talking today normally works at a different WW Center, so she didn't seem too familiar with the programming there. I wish I knew ages, weight loss amount, etc because that would probably be helpful to find a leader that most matches with my goals. Honestly, I get along with basically everyone I meet, so it really doesn't matter anyway. Instinctively, I'd say I'd like a young person who lost a lot of weight. But maybe having that "mother hen" will be more what I need? Besides, I'm sure the age range of actual members varies and there'll be others there my age. If not, oh well. I've never had a problem meshing with any group of people in my entire life! Piece of cake!

I'm very excited about this. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high because once my head is in the clouds, I start think outside realistic goals and ultimately end up disappointed. It didn't take me 6 months to get this way, so I hardly expect it will take a mere 6 months to undo it. I want to take it slow... to let the process work and really sink in. As I mentioned last post, there's a lot of identity transformation in weight loss and I don't think that's something to be rushed. I need time to slowly understand my new body and new lenses. But I have confidence that with this new support program, I can finally reach my goals!

Open House Tomorrow

I'm going to a Weight Watchers open house tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but I think it will be better than just showing up at a weekly meeting. This should give me a chance to get a better sense of what the whole program is about. Some other members have mentioned not loving their initial group leaders. So they "shopped around" a little until they found a meeting that felt really comfortable. The place where it is offers meetings every day of the week at various times and has several leaders, so I'm hoping I won't have any issues.

Looking back, its sort of strange that I didn't think to do WW before. But I guess I didn't really find it appealing. It didn't seem like the type of thing that would work for me. But now that I've done more research- it makes perfect sense. Of COURSE having a support system built into your weight loss program would be helpful! Weight loss is really very personal and private. Especially since I don't really have friends that can relate. Every time I try to "be healthy" and lose weight, I do it alone and thats really difficult. Having supportive people who understand the struggle will hopefully be just what I need to push through the harder times. I'm anxious, but definitely looking forward to it.

At least 5 people I know have lost a significant amount of weight using WW. Two of which have kept it off (the other three are still in the process of losing). I sent a FB message to my friend "L", asking her about the program and this was her response:


Hey!

Weight Watchers has changed my entire life! I started the program in November of 2008. I weighed in at 280 pounds! Today, I weigh 182...2 pounds shy of 100 pounds down! But in all honesty, it goes beyond the number of pounds you weigh or the number weight you're trying to reach...the biggest thing I've gained from the program is confidence! I'll be forever greatful for that! I highly recommend WW also because they teach you how to eat REAL food! It's a healthy way to lose weight...and in conjunction with a little exercise...you can achieve amazing results!

If you go to Weightwatchers.com....you can search for a meeting nearest you. I would reccomend going to the meetings...because you get support there that you can't get online...

:)

If you have any other questions about it, feel free to ask me any time!

L

That message was really encouraging to me and the final push I needed to convince myself that it was time to go. I have a good feeling about this!!

Identity and Weight Loss

I am so terribly afraid of failure (which I'm sure I'm not alone in). As much as I long to be thin and healthy, I'm so afraid that if I start to lose weight, I'll get overwhelmed with the pressure to lose more, or at least not GAIN it back.

And the reality is that losing weight (especially 100+ lbs, like I need to) is a total shift in identity. I've been the "fat girl" for SO long! I start to wonder if losing weight will even register within my psyche.

I once heard Kate Winslet say that even though she lost weight, she still felt like the fat girl. That although she was physically thinner, all the mentality of being overweight was still very present. I think we so often imagine ourselves as thinner and assume we'd automatically have the confidence to match it. Perhaps thats not true.

I also think that the process of losing weight creates a shift in identity that happens in stages. We begin as fat- then we become fat people losing weight- then we reach a point where we're visibly thinner- and if we're lucky enough to reach our goal weight, we become a thin person. The transformation, though a desired outcome, is still very taxing on the soul. A world that we once understood through the lens of our fat glasses no longer makes sense. Our understanding of ourselves- in relation to our world and the people in it- no longer applies. I may walk into a boutique perfectly capable of wearing all the clothes they sell, but in my mind- will I still feel like the girl who everyone stares at, wondering "what is SHE doing here?!"

What if I am thin and still hate myself? Then what?

Pilot

This is my first blog post on my new site. Hopefully I will stay active on it and have actual progress to track. I just joined the Weight Watchers online community and its pretty overwhelming. I'm hoping to attend a local WW open house this weekend so I can learn a little more about the program and get a vibe for the people. I WANT to go to meetings, because I know the social support would be tremendous, but I have a lot of anxiety about it.  What if they hate me?  What if I don't fit in?  Ugh.